I Often Have Nostalgia For Things That Never Happened

(Note: This poem, like most of my poems, is best viewed in Desktop mode. Mobile version often destroys & distorts the visualization of my poems.)

I Often Have Nostalgia
For Things That Never Happened
(for E.H.)

tonight i learned about the dead boy
who filmed my old stomping ground
in such a way that i felt the comfort
he felt while depressed & savoring nature

while watching      his youtube movie
& my cluttered walls became
the passenger seat view down
US HWY 19   & how the sky

above it looked from the floor mats
& how some people look too young
to be dead     & some people have
aquatic eyes   that look nice

to drown in    & some people
even have ocean waves
in their blue eyes    with flecks
of washed up kelp floating on irises

real beaches are the dirty ones, where i
learned things from & divined options of
detrimental life decisions in the muck,
where i chased the live boy

who ranted about Lou Reed for two
hours & who didn’t even blink when i
mentioned the shooting star,
but i wished for a kiss that never came

this dead boy behind the lens, in the lens,
i kissed him in a dream once
& he’s still a stranger      because
i’ll only know his ghost sickness

i’ll name a certain pain after him
& it will wax & wane as pain does
but he’ll still be gone      living on
in real time memory       uploaded

to my subconsciousness where he first
pressed a thumb to in order to leave
a smudge so i’d find him eventually,
in every palm tree lined reverie

i left my curses there & discovered melancholy
& the dead boy & the live boy
exist simultaneously
in a single body           buried

like the old addresses i never want to
find again      but here is one framed
elegantly        among swamps
& the dead boy is with me

watching me watching what he
was watching
during our shared dark times
& wondering if i’m really alive

                    or are we both just dreaming?

Image by wal_172619 from Pixabay

Published by Jennifer Patino


24 thoughts on “I Often Have Nostalgia For Things That Never Happened

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