The Jam Files #16 — “Taking Notes”

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It’s easier to speak vaguely. I lack the energy to get into details right now. Plus, I want to “get serious” (whatever that means) about writing. I want to put the stories & ideas into things to submit rather than blog posts. Contests keep popping up in my face & attempting to enter them feels a lot better than begging people for donations on this blog. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give if you can’t, or if you just don’t want to. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. No one is obligated to pay to read this blog. Everyone is struggling. (Well, not everyone, but yeah…you all get it.) That being said, thank you to those who have donated.

I had a plan when I opened WordPress to write this post & I’ve completely derailed from it.

This is the stream of conscious stuff that’s messing up my focus. I have no linear thought. Everything keeps getting jumbled, but this isn’t a complaint.

I had a fantastic ordeal driving up to the LCO rez with my family. Being broken down in a town you’ve never been in with my family was the plot of a novel in my head. Could I write at length about how a “burn & turn” turned into a 2 day ordeal that miraculously got sorted in 2 days & could’ve taken a lot longer if not for so many people helping? I’m definitely pondering it.

I do have some focus back when it comes to reading. I’ve been so slow at it since I moved here but it doesn’t matter really. What matters is that I’m addicted to the library & really need to chill out. Finish a book before checking out five more. Also, listen to those unread books you own screaming to be read from the shelves. This is a problem. Always has been. But it’s a problem that I like having.

The problems I don’t like having get shoved to the back burner a lot & when they rear up & demand my attention I’ll give it to them for a few days, then shove them right back. I sweep things under magic carpets. I’m a pro at avoidance.

I’m just “taking notes” lately when it comes to daily writing. I’ve been trying to make coherent sentences on the page for months. Or write poetry lines that aren’t awful.

I’ve been trying to act like I can get it together in any aspect of daily living when I really can’t. There are a lot of reasons why. I’m not alone either. But I’m functioning fine in pieces. I may not be “whole”, & I may not have any plans I really want to commit to at the moment, but I have ideas & I’m doing what I have to from day to day. Everything is fine, even when it’s not fine. I’ve been doing this for decades.

If I close my eyes I feel like I’m pacing around the parking lot of the Flat Creek Lodge in Hayward, WI hallucinating & wondering if I’ll ever sleep or get home again. What time/place/space am I in? What time/place/space are YOU in? How are YOU doing?

I’m finding it interesting that a mini breakdown in my life bled into a real life breakdown of a vehicle that could only drive in reverse while I was a passenger in it. There’s a lot there & I can’t help it. My Ojibwe self sees signs everywhere.

I found myself yelling a lot at people on our trip too. I instantly apologized & insisted “that’s not me”. But maybe it is. Maybe I’m just finally letting that out. Maybe I’ve had enough. Maybe because I wasn’t just yelling for no reason–I had legit reasons to lose my temper a little–it was actually a good thing. I struggle with anger. Not that I can’t manage it, but I don’t allow myself to even feel it let alone express it properly. Usually it’s just tears falling down my face or a guttural scream into a pillow. I feel guilty for both. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for things I didn’t do but things people close to me have done. I’m a mess.

Vague. Maybe it’ll be my new aesthetic.

Side note: I recently learned about the whole JT Leroy thing & I’m really not mad about it at all. I think it’s kind of genius, honestly. Who cares? The hoax itself is art, no? I’m late, but I’m here for it.

I don’t know what I’m doing. With this blog post. With my day. With winter approaching. (HOW is it mid-November already!?) When have I ever known though? I should just be grateful that things somehow always work out even if they work out unexpectedly. Maybe “getting a grip” is just some ingrained thing that we all think we have to do that I’m rebelling against. Maybe letting go is easier for me than I thought it was. Or maybe I’m just 40 now & not in a rush anymore to figure things out. Maybe this is “figured out”.

I’m off to go read now. Be well, friends. Or just be whatever you feel like being. ❤


Photo by lisaleo

Published by Jennifer Patino

Poet in Michigan.

16 thoughts on “The Jam Files #16 — “Taking Notes””

  1. Hey you 🤗
    Autumn is when all the grief of the year (and of the many years before), all the longings and disappointments, seem to come to roost for me. It is also when things can feel ‘too good’: the beauty too intense, everything too bright… and I fear ‘maybe it’s the final flash of brilliance before the flame is snuffed?!’

    The falling leaves are visceral. But it’s all a phase, it’s good to ask the questions and re-evaluate, acknowledge the trauma that has come before – and you have lived through a lot in the recent past, my lovely 🤗 it’s healthy eventually, this feeling (I promise) but there are reasons that this season’s affects are shortened to S.A.D 😉 big hugs!! X

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    1. It’s funny because in Vegas they diagnosed me with Reverse SAD because of my “summer depression”. Hard to be happy when you feel like the heat is out to kill you though, ya know?

      There’s a lot going on currently so I’m totally fine with my feelings. They’re a direct response to circumstances. The best thing is to feel them. And definitely set boundaries because I’ve always had issues doing that.

      I love autumn here. It’s absolutely beautiful & the cold temperatures suit me. But no matter the weather, life is still happening & this is a hard time right now. All I can do is hope things get better, work on what I can, & keep on going. 🙂

      Thank you for this comment. I’m sorry I haven’t kept in better touch. 💜 I’ll try to get an email to you soon.

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      1. I’d be a hypocrite to hold a lack of contact against you 😂🤗 I do think of you often, but I totally know life gets crazy. (I’m 35k words deep into my first NaNoWriMo at the moment, for example) I shall go refollow you on the socials, however! Well, just remember you are awesome – one does indeed need to feel the feelings and I love that you are voicing that and holding space for yourself while you do it. It’s not an easy road but it’s the most honest one ❤ proud of you as always 😘

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  2. I understand this problem:

    “Also, listen to those unread books you own screaming to be read from the shelves. This is a problem. Always has been. But it’s a problem that I like having.”

    And it’s DEF an okay one to have. 💙❤️💜

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  4. I was just with one of my covens last night and the phrase “sacred mess” was uttered and adored by everyone. We all need that permission to be vague and all-over the-place and conflicted, and sometimes also that benediction. I have been struck repeatedly by the word since I read an interview with Jeff Tweedy where he said he felt welcomed by Judaism because the rabbi told him “you don’t need to believe in God, as long as you believe in the sacred.” I have had many experiences recently that have brought me to an awareness of sacredness, and I love that this is happening for you. 💜

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  5. In our writers group here in St. Louis I am attending regularly and also trying to take my writing seriously. We are covering a few chapters of some useful books, including ‘Pity the Reader’ about Kurt Vonnegut, written mostly with his words but co-authored by Suzanne McConnell. Also, my all-time go-to favorites are ‘The Art of Fiction’ and ‘On Becoming a Novelist’ by John Gardner. I did want to say that I think your forte is communicating directly and clearly with feeling. I think if you want to work in fiction you shouldn’t actually ‘plan’ to make vagueness your thing– but study structure. Check out a book called ‘Plot & Structure: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting a Plot That Grips Readers from Start to Finish’ by James Scott Bell. Our writers’ group went through that whole book and it was supremely important to learning how to craft a novel, I found. Best of luck to you in your writing pursuits!

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    1. Thanks! The vague-ness comments were really that I didn’t want to go into personal details in the blog post 🙂 I’m not sure about fiction or any of it really. I have concluded that I have no idea what I’m doing right now & I just need to let that be okay for awhile.

      I’m tired again. The energy I had over the summer has gone & I’m back to struggling with fatigue/brain fog/general wtf-ness. But it’s okay. I’m still incredibly happy. The rest will fall into place eventually.

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      1. Well again your blog posts are well thought out and clear, concise, and engaging! Let me know if you want some worksheets or things we’ve used in the group for outlining novels and such. I’ve got some useful stuff. I revived themonarchwriters.com recently a bit so maybe I can post things there so more people can use them.

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