Someday It Will Be Safe To Write About Everything

But for now the vagueness will have to do.

A nervous system scraped raw. Flashback induced insomnia. Losing everything. & I mean everything, including my home.

I still don’t know where I’m going to live come July. That’s terrifying.

My kidneys are damaged & declining in function. Stress makes this worse.

I hardly ever have seizures in the winter time. This winter, I have seizures nearly every day. Stress makes this worse. Stress makes everything worse.

I’m doing things I shouldn’t be doing but I have no choice because I am alone. For the first time in my life, I live alone. Doctors don’t like this. But there is no choice.

Frequent panic attacks. Doctor gave me something for it. It lowered my seizure threshold & I was in the ER end of last month for cluster seizures.

Bureaucratic hoops for assistance. Bureaucratic circles. America has a housing crisis. Wait-lists. 9 months maybe. 1-2 years. In this area? It’s around 5 years out. I have 45 people on my wait-list. I have 87 people on my wait-list. I’m calling cities I never knew existed. Get on as many lists as you can. You can only apply in person. Wait, you can only apply in the county you live in. Perhaps after you’ve lived here awhile… Wait…lived where? Where is there to live? I hear all the the time, nearly every day from someone, You’re not going to be homeless. We won’t let you be homeless. But there’s no solution offered. Carrots are dangled in front of me & snatched away within a day. Still, I trust it will work out. I fear dying on the streets, but I have to believe I won’t. I have to. Or I’m going to give up. I’m going to just stop. I’m running out of steam anyway. I’m sick. So sick.

Doctor recommends assisted living. I’m appalled by the pricing. I wonder what happens to the elderly with no family. I wonder what happens to a lot of people in this situation. I wonder what’s going to happen to me. I don’t even want to become an elder anymore. I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to go…

My diet is currently atrocious. I can’t cook safely. My blood pressure suffers. My kidneys become more damaged. I try Meals on Wheels. I have epilepsy. I can’t cook safely. The internet tells me I can qualify because I am disabled. I am told not in this area. I have to be 60.

I have to be 55. I have to be 62. I have to be unsheltered tonight on the coldest day of the year. I have to be strong. I have to come out the other side. I have to stand on my own. I have to. I have to. I have to…

I have a soft helmet for all of my falls. I’m terrified of hitting my head. I’m terrified of being found in here, rotting away after a week or longer. I tell myself every day, I won’t call anyone today. People are probably tired of me. But then I call someone. I have to give a sign of life.

I have been abandoned. I have been lied to. I have been lied about. I have been diagnosed with betrayal trauma. I am confused. I will never understand.

I can’t tell if I’m disassociating or having absence seizures. Probably both. It’s so cold out. The snow won’t stop. I’m supposed to love it. I do love it. But the spark it used to give me has been replaced with an empty I can’t name.

I couldn’t listen to music for a while. I couldn’t focus on anything for a while. This is getting better. Music feels like it’s saving me again. Especially Fall Out Boy. Fall Out Boy provides the soundtrack to the current narration. Fall Out Boy makes too much sense. Fall Out Boy didn’t know it, but it made predictions about my life.

I don’t know what happens next. One day at a time. I’m thankful for all help. I’m saying sorry for things I haven’t done. I’m apologizing for my existence. I’ve been doing this for months. I’ve been in denial. I’ve been downplaying so much. I’m being taught to question my own reality. To question my own memory. To never trust another soul again. To be afraid. To be so afraid once again after so long in safety. I am not safe anymore. I often wonder if I let my guard down. If I made this happen. If I feared so much that things just happened. I’m currently in therapy.

It’s all gone. Everything. I am in pieces & it’s so bad this time I can’t even find parts of myself. It’s not safe to talk about things. It’s not safe to write about things. But it will be. Yes, they tell me, soon it will be. You don’t have to be afraid. You’ll take your power back. I wonder out loud if I ever had any power to begin with. No one knows how to respond.

Comments will be turned off for safety. Contact Form open. If I don’t know you, however, I’m not responding. Fair warning.

I’m here. I’m in intense physical, emotional, & mental pain. But I’m here. That’s about all I can do & say for now.

Photo by RDNE Stock project