Nights are hard. Some days I walk around in a daze, disassociating or somehow being productive when my brain finds moments to be numb. I find myself falling apart over the silliest things & I don’t like that. I dropped some coffee grounds the other day & sobbed in the kitchen for 45 minutes. Then the nights…
I read that my body & brain have grown accustomed to routines & proximity & now in the absence of safety I can easily fall into panic mode. & do I ever. Sometimes it makes no sense. Other times it’s the only thing that makes sense when I hear a certain song, see something, have a random memory hit me.
I don’t like being afraid. The constant fear state is something I felt I was out of. Then things happened & I plummeted. I do everything I can not to stress about an uncertain future but how do I do that when I have no answers? When I don’t know what’s going to happen to me? Where I’m going to end up? Sure, no one knows these things…but when you know you’re losing everything & absolutely nothing is in your control (I mean, what is, really?) there’s an unsettling that occurs until you know the answers to how things will be semi-ok again. As if my life wasn’t already difficult enough.
But on to some good things:
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who was able to donate to my moving fund. I am confident I have enough for boxes, tape, bubble wrap, & whatnot & however I’m going to get my things to a storage unit or wherever I’m going. The details haven’t been ironed out yet but I have time. Not much time, but time still. I hated having to ask, but what choice do I have? I am eternally grateful, however. Now I just need a roof over my head come July.
I am sending out housing applications wherever I am able to & am told the wait is long. Could be 1-2 years, but anything could happen. There’s also lists that are closed now that could open at anytime & believe me I obsessively check them. I believe in miracles & I believe something will come through at the last minute, but hopefully before then. That’s how my life always works. The ‘good’ & the ‘bad’ stuff. It all always happens in a half of a blink & it’s never ever what or how I think it’s going to happen. I grieve & stress because I thought the chaos of my life was over. I guess I was only allowed a temporary reprieve. It’s not a lot of hope, but I still have some left.
Another good thing: the seizures have lessened. They aren’t happening every day but maybe every other day & sometimes I go a couple days without one. I feel I’m managing my stress better. I was overdoing things. Now I give myself set times to do things because I know rest is important. If only I could stop the mind once I’m allowing my body to. Waking up on the bathroom floor with no idea how I even got there is terrifying. I did have my fall helmet on though so I must’ve been aware of my seizure aura. I’m thankful I was & had no bruises or anything so I must have gently laid down in there. I’ve never lived alone in my entire life. I don’t like it, but I have no choice. People do call or come over & check on me though. I called my Aunt that night in a panic & she talked me down. I’m thankful I have people.
The last good thing is I got myself a walkman. Yes, I know. It’s 2026, but I can’t help it. Physical media has become very important to me & I love cassettes. I think it’s cool they’re getting a little revival. Current bands are releasing stuff on cassette because nostalgia is in. My mom is sending me some of her old tapes too so that’s awesome. I was surprised the walkman wasn’t expensive at all. When my VCR quit on me last year I was shocked to see how expensive they are so I said RIP to the small amount of VHS tapes I have. Not completely. I still have them. Maybe one day someone will have a working VCR they don’t want just lying around, but until them I’ll keep these old carcasses just to say I have them. I felt guilty for buying myself a gift but then I realized that’s silly. A small thing to make me happy & give me comfort is good for my mental health. Music saves. It always has.
I am going to be doing a poetry reading on the 19th so that will be good for me too. I haven’t been working on poems as much as I like, but I do have three for the reading. Trying to keep things as “normal as possible” seems strange when things are definitely not normal, but I think making an effort is good. Maybe? I don’t even know. I don’t know how I feel about anything or what I even believe in anymore.
That’s enough for now because my brain feels blank again. Thank you to everyone who has reached out, given, or offered suggestions. Believe me, I’m doing everything in my power & I’m not giving up even though I feel like giving up a lot.
Spring will be here before we all know it & I’m trying not to worry about it but I know how my health turns during the warm months so I’m hoping I can keep taking care of myself as well as I am now. I’m managing. Somehow.
I’m sad….no, I’m devastated. I’m alone. I never thought I’d be in this position but here we are. I can’t say much but I will say the love of my life has left me & I’m being divorced. The details really aren’t necessary. None of it matters. The reality & the aftermath are all that matters right now. & I miss him. He’s my soulmate & I’m not ashamed to say that. I hate that I feel that way sometimes too, considering, but I can’t help it.
Maybe that’s already saying too much, but who cares? It’s the truth. I don’t know what I’m going to do & I can’t even grieve it all properly because my mind is in panicked survival mode.
Closing comments again because I feel safer doing that. I get overwhelmed too easily. Thank you all again.
Thistle Thoughts 