There is time between waves of excruciating pain where I’m relaxed, even peaceful, because the waves have just turned into trickles and it’s more manageable. I’ve had more flare-ups than I can count over the past few years. I’ve been in some form of pain for 12 years now every.single.day. but I don’t have words to describe this pain that’s going on now. I’m trying my hardest to get excited that it’s Autumn and that the cold will come soon and all the other great things about the colder months, but it’s extremely difficult. I really have no joy from the things I like to do because more often than not, they cause pain. But I still have to (or need to) take advantage of these moments when it’s not so bad because I go completely out of mind if I don’t have some form of creative expression (mostly writing) daily. When reading is hard to do it’s even worse, and reading is VERY hard to do right now.
But enough complaints about me. There are bigger things than my issues happening in this world and THAT kills me more than this physical pain. I’m torn apart mentally. I don’t think I can take anymore bad news or I’m going to break. I think I tried to break down earlier today but I snapped myself out of it. Or whatever happens when suddenly I just don’t feel so bad anymore. There are awful things happening with people close to me and there are absolutely horrific things happening in the headlines. It’s inescapable. You can try to avoid all you can but you will see or hear something and when I do it’s like another sword is cutting off another chunk of me. I feel lost. I feel scared most of the time. I feel scattered. I feel the pain of everyone and everything and that just adds to my own.
I’m taking a break from the Twitters because I just can’t right now. I need rest so I can physically, mentally, and spiritually heal. Whenever I unplug not only do I write more but I pray more. I start connecting with my culture again by learning something new or hearing an old story from a family member or just reminiscing on some old good time at a powwow somewhere. It’s like calling my spirit back. I’ve gone away from me. So I get into the medicine and it’s like remembering who I am again. Then I start slowly picking up my pieces.
I don’t know how long I’m taking a break. I’ll know when I know. I only know that right now I can’t even log in. Every time I do I’m a wreck for the rest of the day. I am going to be blogging still though. I really, really want to try to do OctPoWriMo this year so there will be whatever poetry I come up with next month here to read. I’ve been journaling a lot and that is helping as well.
I don’t get very deep in public. I know I don’t go into specifics much. It’s just my way. But I do talk to people. I have a great group of friends and family I communicate regularly with so I’m not despairing alone or anything. I’m always very well cared for, and am filled with gratitude for it. I know there is nothing anyone can do about the rest of it. I know there’s no cure for my illnesses and I know that my mental health is also in my and God’s hands. I’ve exhausted every avenue. I know it’s just a matter of patience and prayer. I know I’m not alone because I can feel you too. I also am getting to know the importance of allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling and not try to force yourself to feel some other way. Also, it’s important to give people that space to safely express the hard stuff. Life isn’t all roses. For me, it never has been. And that’s okay.
I’m with you in spirit. Believe me when I say that. I think about all the people I read daily and the ones who enjoy visiting this blog all the time. I hold my friends and fam in my heart. I’m just a little broken right now and am taking steps to work on repairing me. Thanks again. My friends know where to find me. Enjoy the rest of September and if you can’t, at least know that you’re doing the best you can. ❤