Yeah,

Yeah,

I’m hurting
& I’ll never let you see
because I believe it’s
easier for me

but I’m dead wrong

yeah, that’s me
laughing my head off
at 2 am over something
that was funny
20 years ago

this could be
viewed as a
re-visitation
of the glory days

I laugh harder
at the idea
of reclaiming youth
like it was ever mine
to begin with

limited window / there is only a small
fraction of time / before / the invader
in my arm twists the knife / only
the tick ticks of my joints / when I
dare to move / keeping time / saving
time / this is a futile effort

& how long / will it all keep running /
engine overload / engine / malfunction /
they made us all computers / & this sound
isn’t right / this smell of smoke / isn’t right

& I’m running out of time / if time is
a true thing / I feel / every
pinprick as a premonotion /
I see the last of my
able-ness / this disabled body /
still hangs on / I’m able /
I’m capable / of watching
myself wither away / as long
as I don’t have to feel it anymore

I dreamt I sawed my hand off
because that’s how to stop the pain /
then the pain of its absence
nearly killed me / like the visions
of car accidents / collisions /
my face through a windshield /
my face as I’m falling off from
different heights / the landscape
always familiar / like the view
from the roller coasters that were
fun to ride / not this ride / I’m ready
to jump off / I’m terrified / of it all
stopping / but I’m still ready
to plummet it all away

yeah,
I’m sorry
you never asked for
all of this to come out
with one slammed door

I’m only right about
how honest I can be
when a bad night
wrangles emotions free

yeah,
I’m sorry –
I’m sorry for me