The Jam Files #8 : A Little Life Update

Posted byJennifer PatinoPosted inpersonalTags:, , , , , ,




The Jam Files #8: A Little Life Update

The clouds parted a little bit after a bout of sleeplessness. It’s kind of funny: I spent a week & a half feeling so fatigued I could barely function. I slept so much without remembering a single dream. When too many bad days in a row occur, I start to wonder if this is just how it’s going to be from now on. Then I get better. So far, so good, I always feel better eventually. So, after four hours of sleep I woke up feeling refreshed. Minimal pain. There’s always a minimal amount of pain. That’s my normal. “Feeling better” doesn’t mean I’m symptomless, it means it’s all not unbearable. How long does it last? Well, I’m trying not to think about that kind of thing anymore.

I don’t know how it happened, but I stopped being concerned about how I’m going to feel tomorrow…how I’m going to feel after I do a certain thing…how I’m going to feel whenever the next time I have to leave the house gets here…etc. I put all my energy into just how I feel right now, in the present. It used to be hard to stay here. For years I would put myself somewhere else, any place that wasn’t in the painful body. This resulted in me overdoing it way too much, & pushing myself beyond my limits. Fighting myself was exhausting. I’m glad I stopped that. I realized this week that I stopped lamenting all the things I could or should be doing “if I were only feeling better”. I just did what I could & let my mind & body do what they needed to do without any resistance. It worked out so wonderfully that I don’t know why I didn’t try it before.

I’ll always be learning new ways to handle things. I’ll always be navigating the world alongside things both inside my body & outside in my environment changing & limiting me, & I’ll find the pathway that fits me best. I may have to wander around lost for a little while, but I learn a lot from those times too.

I’ve been doing some good reading while I was stuck in bed. I’m thankful for the days I can read. I’m thankful for the days I can write. I feel a lot of gratitude for a lot of things lately & I’m really seeing the importance of having it. I’m also seeing the importance of not reacting immediately to something. I sit with the feeling for awhile, think on it, imagine it from different sides. It’s helpful. I have felt less anxious this week than I have in awhile. In fact, I would say I feel calm, like I’ve reached yet another level of acceptance of things. Of everything.

There isn’t much point to this post other than to say ‘hi’ & talk about how I’m feeling lately. I’m waiting to hear back from some writing submissions I’ve sent out & I’m enjoying writing whenever the inspiration strikes rather than setting time aside for it. Maybe I’ll get back on track next year or maybe I won’t. I’ve got some medical tests next month that may change some more things for me, but I don’t know yet. One day at a time. Again, I’m trying not to think ahead about anything. It feels better just being right here, right now, no matter what the circumstances are.

It’s almost December. It’s getting cool here finally. I’m enjoying pictures of snow I’m seeing around the internet. I laugh at the complaints. “Wanna trade?” I can wear long sleeves finally so I’m happy. I have a winter soul. I can’t help it. My spirit loves everything right now & that is never a bad thing.


Published by Jennifer Patino

Poet.

28 thoughts on “The Jam Files #8 : A Little Life Update”

  1. “One day at a time.” Oh, sweet girl, yes!

    “My spirit loves everything right now & that is never a bad thing.” Stay in this moment and in this mindset for as long as you can. Calm and in acceptance.

    And where you think there’s not much point to your post “other than to say ‘hi’ & talk about how I’m feeling lately.” Let me just remind you that doing this is beneficial. I know I love hearing/reading this kind of “hi and talk” posts.

    I continue to send you healing vibes from across the ocean. Receive a warm hug from me. I wish you miracles.

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  2. Wonderful post Jennifer! It’s good to hear that you have found a way around your health problems! Living in the moment sounds great! I think I feel inspired to act the same way in my life too! I suffer from GERD, stress and insomnia. And it does get difficult at times. My best wishes for your medical tests! And I’m happy that you’re enjoying the winter!

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  3. Even after 15 years of chronic illness I still struggle with this kind of acceptance. Sometimes I have it, but mostly not. I get frustrated and become angry with the world, blaming it for me being in this position. I didn’t think that I had a victim mentality, but lately I realised that I do. It’s just not the typical victim mentality that is easy to recognise. I take a lot of heart from your post, Jennifer. Thank for you for sharing this ❤

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    1. I understand. I have to keep getting to the level of accepting the new pains, new limitations, etc. I was very angry in the beginning. I think it’s a never ending journey really. Ups & downs & it’s completely okay. Not every day is good but there is good in every day even if it’s a little thing. Hang in there, Constance. You’re doing the best you can. 💜💜

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  4. I realized this week that I stopped lamenting all the things I could or should be doing “if I were only feeling better”. I just did what I could & let my mind & body do what they needed to do without any resistance. It worked out so wonderfully that I don’t know why I didn’t try it before.

    This sounds really positive and healthy, Jenn.

    ❤
    David

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  5. Peace and blessings, Jennifer. I’m glad the shift in weather is upon us all, but I’m even happier you’re feeling “better.” At least, for the time being. I hope it lasts longer than it normally does for you. *Big hugs*

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  6. A great deal of positivity and wisdom in your post … I nodded while reading your words, at how you talked about wandering around and learning from those moments, as well as reaching a level of acceptance. To me, those speak of growth. Probably I’m biased in saying that. I’ve come to similar places while approaching my depression and anxiety. Through therapy, I’ve come to sitting with those feelings and listening to them. They have valuable things to say. Thanks for sharing a bit about your world. I wish you continued calm, and for the medical tests to arrive with good news for you.

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  7. Having several chronic condition myself, I feel for you and understand (as much as one can understand another’s suffering). There are “bad days”, and “better days” that we tell people around us are “good days” because the symptoms are tolerable — but still present and persistent. Exhaustion is a constant companion and it can be a lonely place, even with people around you who try to understand and care. But if they aren’t in a similar place it is hard to comprehend just how life is impacted by chronic suffering. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at other than to say, to some extent anyway, I know what you are enduring.

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  9. What a wonderful update! Hugs, friend. Love this new, focused outlook! I’ve been feeling that, dare I say, peace too. ❤ I can definitely get used to that. And I'm a winter soul, too. Maybe I'll vacation up north this year.

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  10. This was so good to read. I have had a few of these “you are not psychic, just say yes” moments lately and have been grateful to myself for opening beyond the illness. I may need to say no later if I really am suffering, and that is fine, but I’m glad to relinquish that dark oracle side of myself. I wish you all the contentment and magic this winter has to give and success with your writing!

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