I Cannot Tell July

Posted byJennifer PatinoPosted inpersonalTags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,



Wow, what a summer already. I believe I’m starting to come out of the funk I’ve been in all Spring. It’s been a rough couple of months with horrendous pollen allergies, tear duct trouble, & more epileptic seizures than I can count. The postictal state is often an odd one & I feel I’ve been in it for at least a month. It’s depressing to have seizures again. It’s no fun being in bed & in pain. (Heat & humidity are still my enemies. That won’t change no matter where I’m living.) It’s not a good time when I have to massage my tear duct at least four times a day because mine doesn’t drain properly on its own. This is life, however, & it’s my jagged & beautiful one. There’s a surgery option to possibly mend the tear duct issue, but I have a lot against me for it to be successful so my doctor isn’t pushing it. I really don’t want to scar up my face unnecessarily for a procedure that has a very low chance of even working for me.

I exist in fragments. At least that’s what my mind tries to do most of the time. I try to piece the days together & they end up blending like a bad watercolor attempt of mine, all drippy with colors running together. There’s art in that. There’s beauty in that. Just take a look at my “seizure diary” if you can decipher it.

I’ve been busy in between the bad days. Jackson & I are seeing a lot of live music of course. I had to slow down over at The Jam Files but I knew I would have to eventually. I’ve been working on poems for contests & the hardest part has been deciding which ones are “contest ready”. I still have a couple of weeks to make my decisions & I’ve been cutting & revising until I can’t see straight. I don’t feel any of them are “good enough” honestly, but I’m going to try anyway. I already mailed off one entry & I have eight more to go.

Traverse City’s Famous Cherry Festival is happening right now. We were downtown last night & there were a lot of people but coming from the huge tourist town that is Las Vegas I’ve definitely seen bigger crowds & worse traffic. Tomorrow there’s a powwow at the Fest & my Aunt is coming to vend so we’re going to help her out & enjoy the dancing & food. I love powwows. This is the first I’ll be attending this season & I never know how many I’ll actually get to so any one I go to is a great time & an honor for me to attend.

The last day of the festival, (July 6th), Jackson & I will go really scope it out before we go see The Accidentals play. We love this band & they were our introduction to the live music scene here. I can’t believe we’re coming up on one year living here. It feels like we just got here still but we’re really getting to know the area & we’re even making friends! It’s so strange to me to have people to hang out with, but I’m loving it. It’s good for me to be around people. I’ve been reading Sylvia Plath’s Letters again. (It’s taken me like three years to get through this tome, but the end of the book is nigh.) She mentions in a letter to her mother how she feels she needs to live a “rich, social life” balanced with her writerly solitude because she was feeling her poetry was reading too much like a one-sided diary. Man, can I ever relate to that. My own head is growing so repetitive & this is why I’ve been struggling with poems for over a year now. I’m writing them, sure, but I also don’t feel the same way about them as I once did. I am beating my subject (me) to death in all of these lines & it’s not as fulfilling to write them as it once was. Still, I write on.

Once again I don’t know how to function without feeling exhausted. Once again I have anxieties about having seizures in public. Once again I worry if I’m doing too much or not enough in life. Once again time is going by so quickly & I don’t even think I want to try to keep track of it anymore.

I’m still in a good place here. Being in MI is a dream come true & I’m still able to do so much more than I was able to before. The rest I can live with because it’s much easier to now. Also, I’m having fun. Seriously. This is such a fun place to live.

Me having fun “cosplaying” as Geoff Rickly from Thursday

The world looks pretty bleak right now, sure. The 8 Ball advises that the outlook might not be so good. Gripping little joys tightly is the best thing I can do for myself so that’s what I choose to do. I’m not able enough to save anything or anyone. I can talk to people though. I can make connections & really ask people how they’re feeling & listen to the stories they tell. I love doing this. I love being alive even if it’s extremely difficult.

I’m very sleepy because I only got four hours of sleep last night & I’ve got a busy week ahead again so I’m going to nap. I hope the summer has been kind to you all & that you’re being kind to each other. Thanks for reading along with my journey. Hopefully I’ll have some good news to share regarding my writing soon.

Featured Image by Wolfgang Claussen from Pixabay




Published by Jennifer Patino

Poet in Michigan.

26 thoughts on “I Cannot Tell July”

  3. Jennifer, I’m happy to read a new post from you. art and beauty, I think you were made to look for those things and find them no matter what or where. I hope I get to read some of your wonderful new poetry soon.

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    1. Thank you. If I don’t find it, then I’ll definitely worry. But I’ve always found beauty even in darkness. I think the human condition is full of all kinds of emotions and I think it’s important to honor them all.

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  6. Best wishes with your poetry contest entries. Your poetry is beautiful! I look forward to reading more about your progress. Sorry to read about your health challenges. Take care dear Jennifer. 🌻

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  8. “Gripping little joys tightly” is where it’s at. And loving where you live is so important. If you’re nestled in a place that’s more than safe–that’s actually joyful sometimes–it makes a lot of terrible things bearable. I wish you many fun days and nights this summer, and good luck with the contests! 💜

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  9. Hi Jennifer. I was moved by ‘I cannot July.’ One of many things that it reminded me of is ‘A Ray of Darkness,’ an old autobiography (1950 or so) by the Welsh-English writer Margiad Evans—about her experience of epilepsy. Evans is poetical like Plath as she is a poet first. -David

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  10. I’m reading this late, but praying you’re feeling better. Hoping The Accidentals lifted your spirits – we love them! We’re going to their concert on the 28th.

    I’m thinking we must be pretty close to you. We live in Portage Lake in the summer. Traverse City is a place we go often, a very nice town. ♥️

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    1. The show was wonderful! It was nice to write about them on my music blog The Jam Files too. My friend saw them in Cadillac last weekend (Katie & Katelynn playing with Patty PerShayla and the Mayhaps while Sav is on tour with Lainey Wilson). He mentioned the blog and sending us his concert footage and they said “we love the jam files!” It’s cool getting to know the local talent here. There is so much. All of these musicians are really great people. We had a surprise meet & greet with them at Cherry Fest. It was nice to meet them again after we first met them downtown last summer.

      I hope you enjoy the show. Northern Cider House, right? Portage is about an hour from me I believe. I really love living here. My health issues are easier to deal with when I like where I’m living.

      Thank you for your prayers! ❤️🙏

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