The Poet Life

Posted byJennifer PatinoPosted inpersonalTags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,

“So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough.” ~ Sylvia Plath

Sometimes I set goals for a new year. I refuse to call them resolutions. They often resolve nothing. They’re just something to focus on. A way to get by.

For 2025 the only thing I told myself I wanted to do was be a poet. Live the poet lifestyle. (Whatever that means.) Write poems. Read poems. Submit poems. Study poems. I’m happy to report with 13 days in, I’ve been doing just that.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed again. This means that when the brain fog isn’t so bad, I read & write a lot. I’ve been watching (at least) a movie a day again. I watch the snow from my window. I bundle up with a lot of blankets that feel so heavy on me I can hardly tuck myself in. I can’t walk out in the snow as much as I’d like, but the little I have is always wonderful. I really hope I do not catch a cold or something else this month. Just one month off of some kind of sinus or respiratory issue will be wonderful. I have been ill with something cold/flu/or covid-like every month since April of 2024 and in March of 2024 I was dealing with that eye infection. I’d finally stop coughing or chasing my running nose for two weeks maximum when suddenly I’d feel “that tickle” again. Then I’d be struggling for another month with lingering symptoms. Something has to give. I had a couple months off with no seizures but had a couple last week unfortunately. The “in-between” symptoms that accompany epilepsy (before & after seizures) last longer than they used to. My brain seems to take longer to get itself together. My supersized kidneys are also aching like punks these days, and to add insult to my life of injury, the cold hurts now that I’m older. I still prefer it to warm weather. I always will, but I notice more inflammation, creaking, and popping now that it’s midwinter. Snowy and icy conditions have kept me indoors more and catching illnesses has prevented me from public appearances. I can’t say I’m upset about this though.

A friend told me it’s the year of the Hermit. I can embrace that. It feels like a return for me. I went out and about and collected a lot & now I’m holed up & writing about it. I don’t know exactly how many poems I’ve written this month. Some days I write 3-4 a day or at least starts of drafts. I’ve been on a submission kick so I have 22 poems out & about to be either accepted or rejected right now. I haven’t done this much work writing since my early 20s & it’s nice to be back at it while I can be.

The poets I’ve been reading lately (aside from WordPress, Substack, and various other places I read poems online) are Sylvia Plath, Sara Teasdale, Vachel Lindsay, Robert Lowell, Gwendolyn Brooks, and Janet Frame. I’m going to crack open some Adrienne Rich soon. I also couldn’t help myself at the library the other day. I grabbed this giant 700+ page biography of Jackson Pollock so I stuck it in my other pile of memoirs from the library I have crowding my desk. I have a Lowell memoir & a Frieda Hughes memoir that I believe is about birds. I’ll get to them eventually. I wanted to read something just for fun so I started the latest in the Pendergast series, Angel of Vengeance, & kept getting sucked in to other books. The Pollock bio is written in such a captivating way that it’s difficult to put down.

Another friend told me about Adrienne Shelly & I only knew her from Big Girls Don’t Cry, They Get Even (one of my favorite 90s movies). I didn’t know about her awful death or that she wrote & directed Waitress or anything. I didn’t even know Waitress was a film before the musical! I watched her in The Unbelievable Truth which is a fantastic movie. It was interesting to see a young Robert John Burke too after finishing that Gossip Girl show that he plays Bart Bass in. The documentary about her, Adrienne, was really good too. I wasn’t very impressed by Longlegs. It had so much potential & was shot well. The acting was awesome, but I wish it got into characters more & had a better plot in general. I mourn it, really. I’ve never seen anything done so well that disappointed me that badly. I did love Russell Crowe in an exorcism movie again though! The Exorcism is awesome. I don’t care how bad it is. I don’t care that we’ve seen these a million times. Russell Crowe should just play an exorcist forever. He looks like he enjoys it. 

Music wise I’ve been listening to the same ole, same ole. A lot of Elliott Smith. Last night I had a really weird dream where Tom Delonge was dating me so I had to listen to some Blink 182 when I woke up today. It was odd. I was probably 24-25 in the dream, & Tom was his age now. I can’t say I’ve ever had an “active crush” on any of the Blink 182 members but I think I will start referring to Tom as my “dream boyfriend” from here on out. He was very sweet to me in the dream. He’s also into the extraterrestrial stuff so…yeah. He’d be a cool boyfriend I bet. My dreams are very weird lately. Some are too scary to even talk about. Some are just weird & often involve some kind of celebrity that I don’t really think about too actively in waking life. 

Maybe I’ll have poems to share soon. I have to wait to hear back from a lot of places. I found out I won first prize in the quarterly members contest for the National Federation of State Poetry Societies for my poem “Blood in Winter” that will be published in their newsletter this month. I’ve had some rejections too. I keep sending everything back out though. Gotta keep throwing spaghetti at the wall & eventually a noodle sticks. I’m having fun. I work when I get a burst of energy & end up getting a lot accomplished in one day. Other days I’m nodding off in my book or buried under blankets napping the whole day away. I do what I have to.

My husband got eased into Winter last year. We’ve already way surpassed the total amount of snowfall we had last year so he’s been experiencing a “real” Winter this time around. He still loves it even if his walk to work is more chilly or he’s trying to schedule a Link bus & the app is being difficult. He made friends with a co-worker & she’s nice enough to give him a ride home on days they work together. I make them both lunches. I like doing that. It’s also cool to know a new person in town.

I won’t lie to you all either. I’ve been pretty depressed. Functioning, but depressed. I’m tired of feeling ill. I’m tired of being so fatigued. I’m tired of this crazy world we’re in. I don’t know how to connect with it anymore. Everything feels so “not my vibe” or whatever the kids are saying these days. Everything feels pointless. When things feel pointless to me though, I do them anyway. It probably IS all pointless, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m very happy I’m not beating myself up anymore though. Stuff gets done when it needs to. Stuff will be there when I have a good moment to do it. My bed is nice & I have heat. One thing about this crazy world is the access to so much media. It’s really endless the things I can read or watch. So I can’t complain too much. Maybe I just can’t connect with people anymore? I don’t know how to interact more often than not. I feel like I have nothing but a bleak outlook to share so when I get quiet that’s why. I’m emailing a bit. I’ll write my snail mail letters eventually. Sometimes I text even though I’m not a big fan of it. If I didn’t have to have the bus app I’d ditch the smart phone honestly. I took off from Instagram for the month of January & I can’t say I miss it. I’m not even going to comment on world events or disasters because what is there to say, really? I don’t think I’ve seen happy news in over a decade so I only glance at it with one eye from time to time. I’m not in any position to be able to help with any of it so all I can do is listen when people need to talk about how they feel about everything. I also do my fair share of ranting. What a time to be alive, indeed.

How’s your winter going? You don’t have to tell me. I’ll read your response in your mind. (Maybe? Or maybe I’ll never know & that’s okay.) I’m hurting, but busy. I’m cloistered, but content. I’m being a poet. I’m being myself.

Published by Jennifer Patino

Poet in Michigan.

28 thoughts on “The Poet Life”

  1. This is the first time I have caught you complaining about your kidneys. I’m wondering what’s causing their increased size.
    I hope you continue to stay warm and write. Have you published Blood in Winter anywhere?

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    1. I have polycystic kidney disease which runs in my family. Many of us have it currently or did before passing away. I was diagnosed as a teen but it didn’t affect me until age 25. My kidneys are football sized & cyst covered, which causes daily pain. Sometimes the cysts get aggravated so they feel bigger & hurt more. I still have full kidney function which is very good though. It’s annoying, but so far, I’m avoiding dialysis & transplant lists which is the best I can ask for right now.

      Blood in Winter will be published in the Strophes newsletter sometime this month. I’ll definitely share it here once it’s out.

      Thank you! I hope you are warm where you are as well.

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  3. Here’s to all of those submissions being accepted 🙂 If it were me, I’d probably accept most or all.

    I’m sorry to hear that you been sick again. I was hoping you were going to get some respite from your move (or more of it, anyway).

    Here? I’m just doing time, I think. Nothing worth mentioning.

    Don’t forget you can reach out if you need to talk to someone.

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    1. Sometimes casting the net wider means you come up empty. But I press on. 😊

      I did have those nine wonderful months where it felt like I might be cured when I first got here. Maybe it was adrenaline? No, in all seriousness, this pain still doesn’t compare to the hellish nerve pain I had in Vegas. Heat hurts more still. But I don’t have to deal with much heat here so I’m still very happy.

      Yes, I know, I’ve been quiet with everyone. Not much to say other than “things kinda suck at the moment” ya know? Thank you for being a great friend.

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  4. You’re such an incredible writer. I have no doubt most of what you will submit (if not all) will be accepted. I am praying for your health and continued healing. This weather has a mind of its own and there are so many illnesses and germs flaunting about.

    I wish you peace, strength, and all the healing you may need to power through 2025. Good luck, Jenn! 💕

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  6. Good luck with your submissions! Looks like you’re well and truly living the poet life! Such a great resolution for 2025. I can so relate to your post. It’s all I want to do, too. I’m not quite as organized as you are when it comes to submissions (understatement of the century, I’m not organized at all, I’m on a submission break after a lot of rejections, need to gather up some strength before getting back into the game).

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  8. I feel like you can totally read my response in your mind. 🙂 The whole connecting with people thing is…complicated. I get stressed out by people in digital environments, but I will randomly talk to strangers in person who interest me. I never used to like talking on the phone, but it’s more real than texting or chatting online, so I’ve become more comfortable there, if a bit eccentric. I can’t answer a simple question like “How’s the weather down there” without saying something like “It’s so cold that my cat instantly puked the second he went outside” (but I do believe that improved the customer service guy’s day, so I have no regrets. 😁) I actually got off Instagram completely and created an account at Bluesky so people can reach me there, but I haven’t missed it one moment. I’m glad that you’re finding ways to burrow comfortably as you work on your poems, and that Jackson’s view of winter remains largely sanguine. All good thoughts for a virus-free month!

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    1. I love the honesty in the response about your cat though! It’s what I think I miss. Strangers I do say hi to almost seem performative. Just like on social media sometimes. People I know often have a lot of emotional honesty. I get guarded online too. It seems so vast & confusing most times. I like the phone when I’m stuck inside. I like being unafraid to say whatever’s in my head. Friends don’t look at you funny, ya know? Forgive my stream of consciousness rambling. 😊 I’m having trouble articulating my point. I feel like you know what I mean anyway. I do love people. I do love all the ways to communicate. I’m just unsure of what to say right now. I’m not ever sure what I need at the moment. It’s been a weird time. 💜 I hope you’re doing alright, Sun. We’ll have to talk again soon.

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  9. I thank goodness you are warm and safe and have a husband who loves you. i don’t know whether it’s good to listen to Elliott when you’re feeling down. There is a catharsis to melancholia, but it can also feed itself. You’re an artist, so you know. Sometimes I can’t explain it to Kim. I don’t know if you get into the Internet Archive (archive.org), but there are many full fair-use Elliott shows on there. They document his talent, his fear, and his descent into madness. Highly recommended.You are dealing with a lot. If you ever run into “Just give me one reason not to do it” the answer is “because we love you Jennifer.”

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    1. Thanks, I always appreciate more music stuff to check out. I’m not doing anything, please don’t worry about that. I can’t absorb myself in “happy” when I’m down because it gets me more down because I can’t “be like that”. I drift to the artists that were in that dark more often than not because it’s less lonely. I don’t know if this is melancholy or what. I’m just very tired & tired of being tired I think? A lot of this is physical stuff or neurological stuff I can’t do much more than wait out. There’s good in every day. Even the darkest days. Thank you though. I understand what you mean.

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  10. Last year I grabbed Sara Teasdale (digital) collections from Amazon for free. I think I got 4 of them, so it might be worth checking out if you still read digitally because they could still be free. I’ve been on a Fall Out Boy kick lately.

    I would second the comment about the internetarchive. I use it for background noise a lot of time when I’m reading.
    I hope things get better for you soon x

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  11. Congrats on the publication of your poem! I’m so sorry you’ve been sick for so long. Hibernating doesn’t seem like such a bad idea under the circumstances. Hopefully it will help your body and mind get fully rested and you’ll feel optimistic about spring when it finally arrives.
    I have really vivid dreams sometimes too. Sometimes I share them on my blog, but yeah, sometimes not. I get it.
    January has been cold here, with snow and ice, but not nearly so cold as what you have there. I received some super warm, lined pants and a super warm, soft sweater for Christmas. I also bought some new leg warmers because the cold was making my ankles hurt. These have been a great blessing, and I’m still wearing them in February.
    I’m so glad that you’re able to keep busy, that you have a warm place to “hibernate” in, that you are safe and content. I love reading what you call “rambling”💖. You’re a very expressive story teller, and your story is valuable. Blessings.

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    1. Thank you for that encouragement. 🩷 I love wearing all of my warm clothes too. I have been staying as cozy as possible & drinking many teas. Watching snow fall is one of the greatest things in the world to me & I’m still getting a lot of opportunities to. Despite my current health difficulties, I’m enjoying the season. It really teaches a lot.

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      1. I drink a lot of teas also! 😊 Ginger is thermogenic (creates heat in your body). I’ve been drinking Bengal Spice by Celestial Seasonings for a long time, but I recently discovered Honey Chai Tumeric Vitality by Yogi, which may become a new favorite! They both really warm me up!
        Yes! I love watching the snow fall, too! It’s one of those joys of childhood that I’ve never outgrown! 😄 You just reminded me of a poem I wrote maybe 30 years ago. I’ll have to go find my old notebooks and see if I can find it.
        I’m so glad you’re finding joy and peace in the season in spite of the pain. Learning how to do that is a super important life lesson. You’re doing a great job!

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