Homesicle

When your life starts to resemble bad fiction where the amount of tragedy in a short span of time is overkill & makes the whole plot something no human being can wrap their brain around you wonder constantly when something is going to give. Maybe that something is yourself. Maybe doing things from a state of “unhinged” is something you’ve never tried before. Maybe it feels good when you do.

I don’t even know how to type this. Those who’ve been following along lately have noticed an uptick in awful things I’m going through. I’m about to add to it for you. My father is dead. My brother & I found him unresponsive on May 11th & he was taken off of life support May 14th. I only knew him for a decade. I only spent a significant amount of time with him these past three years.

I’m not going to get into that story here. Maybe one day but not today. I really want to talk about grief & what it looks like. People write about this often, so it’s not new. But what grief is looking like for me resembles things I don’t know. Sometimes it looks like pacing, nail gnawing, fighting back tears. Sometimes it’s sobbing while scrubbing dishes. It’s every damn song ever written because there will be one line in there that sparks a memory. Sometimes it looks like popcorn & decaf coffee, blogging at 11pm. I’m grieving a lot. I’m still grieving my friend & cousin I lost last year. I’m grieving my marriage. I’m grieving my stepmom. & now I’m grieving my “bio dad”. He & I would joke about that a lot. The concept of “Bio Dad.” Weird maybe, but I don’t know. We have similar humor. Dad Joke Appreciation.

Everyone called my stepmom “Ma” so I did too. Ma & Dad are together now. They were always together. All turned out exactly how it should have & I don’t regret anything in my life. I hope they didn’t either. Sometimes grief looks like waiting for someone to come around a corner at any minute. Sometimes it looks like laughing your ass off at a hilarious moment that creeps into the movie playing in your mind. The film of your entire life that flickers behind your eyelids while you’re feigning sleep.

I’ve acquired new methods of avoidance. I’ll admit this. I only want to feel all this in increments because I am truly trying not to shatter here. My core remains in tact but my words & actions belong to a version of me I’m just getting to know. She’s kind of a spitfire. She’s growing less afraid. She still yearns, romanticizes everything, & can become very nervous at times, but she’s being slightly more practical about things. Life happens. Life ends. I might be abandoning the idea of forever. Trading it in for present moment enjoyment because really, what else is there? I’m gaining a lot of new phrases to overuse but my favorite one is I guess we’ll see. (I will not explain “homesicle”. I want to see if it becomes “a thing.”)

I have to end this entry on a happy note. It’s only been around 6 months since life as I knew it changed very quickly & drastically, & it keeps changing very quickly & drastically. I need it all to stop. Let me recuperate. Let me make it through the fire first before you add another log. But, thank you, thank you, thank you, for the people you’re bringing into my life & for the people I’ve grown so close with through all of this. Family has always mattered to me. Love is love, & the only thing that makes anything worth a damn. The kind of love I mean is the kind of love I feel for all the people I hold dear to me. It’s unconditional. It’s deep. It’s genuine joy from being in your presence. No matter what happens to me, I’ve never lost this. For this, I am also consumed in gratitude.

This random town I moved to without ever having visited it before is still the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me, even though life is kinda falling apart in said town. It’s not the town’s fault. I had a habit of feeling this about everywhere I’ve ever lived where terrible shit went down. Some places I hate visiting because there’s too many ghosts waiting for me there. I’m selective on what I want to be haunted by.

It’s not even the town itself, although I’ll tell everyone I live in the greatest place ever. It’s the people. It’s the community. It’s bonfires & singalongs. It’s someone sitting with you in whatever pain you’re going through. People do that here. People who do that are surrounding me in droves. Some would say I’m attracting them. Good. Thank you. I will never take anyone for granted ever.

I asked forgiveness via a Facebook post recently for not being able to carry so much right now. “I gotta set this stuff down for awhile”, I said. I know everyone says I’m so strong, but right now I gotta be weak & messy. I’ve abandoned routine. I’ve dipped out on a lot because I just can’t right now. I’m going to see music & just listening to music because I don’t feel like filming. I don’t feel like writing about anything other than my feelings & keeping a record of every day things that might seem mundane to most but goodness, the simplicity of a tree swaying in the breeze when it’s starting to truly feel like Spring is like a long hug to me lately.

What was planned to be a summer of post-hiatus “go out with a bang”, work nonstop, interview everyone, see a show every night if you can in regards to the music blog, is now declared a summer of slacking off. Yolo Era. This might be it, little one, so just enjoy it all & don’t think too much. I’m settling into new skin & I like the way it fits.

I will be okay. It’s more than okay not to be okay right now. People got me right now. I’m well checked up on. I’m still here. I held on till May & I’m still clingin’. & guess what? More changes are ahead. I’ll fill you in next time.

Maybe.

Main Image by congerdesign from Pixabay