Here’s The Thing About Me: I’m Not Going To Give Up No Matter What You Tell Me

Endings. Beginnings. Rapid fire joys & tragedies. I’ve lived 75 years in the past six months. All are blessings even if they gut you. I turned 43 the other day & I’ve never felt more loved in all my life.

My birthday party was a sentimental smash. I wanted to cry multiple times out of happiness but only allowed tears to fall once. I had the time of my life.

Seizures are attempting to kick my ass this season again, but I’m powering through them. I’m sore. I can’t quite heal from bruises until more appear, but I am here.

Live music is in full swing in TC & I’m not able to get out as often as I want to, but I’m making plans to. “Forgive me for cancelling, I just woke up on the floor.”

My ear is ringing right now & I know this is a good sign. I’m going to be traveling farther than I have ever traveled before this fall/winter & I’m a mix of overexcited & practical. Some are warning me. Some are telling me I’m crazy. Some are encouraging & want me to be happy. I validate all of their feelings, but I don’t want to explain or convince anyone of the decisions I choose for my life. I shouldn’t have to.

The d-vorce is finalized today. It’s been over for me for some time now & I wish no ill will & it may be true that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t regret my marriage. It was real. I’m grateful for it all. Of course I didn’t want it to end, but it did & I’ve accepted it. Time for the next chapter…which already started before the digital ink dried.

Yes, the rumors are true. I have a British boyfriend. Yes, already. Yes, we haven’t met in person. Yes, I’m crazy. No, I don’t care what you think. “What are you doing?” I’m being asked. “Living my damn life,” I reply. We’ve been connected online for awhile so maybe that will ease some concerns. Is he a stranger? Not really. Some may recall I met my ex online & yeah, it didn’t work out, but it did for nearly 15 years. I take risks where others allow bitterness to reign supreme. I like this about me. I’m happy. In fact, I’m ecstatic.

Opportunities arise in my life & why wouldn’t I choose them? Why wouldn’t I make moves to make dreams come true when they’re literally being handed to me? My idea for it to be “YOLO Summer” is an understatement. I’m going to be doing so much living I’ll have no time for anything else.

Be happy for me. Please. Trust my intuition because it’s never steered me wrong before. The only time it’s gotten me into trouble is when I didn’t listen to it. I’ll never insist I know better or that I know best. I can only say “I’ve gotta do what I gotta do. I’ve gotta see. I’ve gotta experience. Please, let me.”

I made an affirmation for No June Gloom, Only June Bloom & boy am I an overgrown field of wildflowers right now. I wouldn’t have it any other way. July will be busy. Moving. Settling in. Fourth of July weekend memorial for my stepmom & dad. Business to take care of. My address change. My name change. Oh, & I need a new cell phone. *makes note* Saving. Preparing. Passport. I’m doing it. I’m traveling abroad & I made so many excuses for not doing this before. “How will I survive that trip?…I can’t fly that far alone…I’ll never afford that…*sigh* Maybe someday…” Maybe now, girl. & you won’t be traveling alone. Look at that. Isn’t it nice not to be in your own way anymore?

I hope you all have a magnificent summer. Mine’s going to be one for the books. & books is what I seriously need to get to writing. Memoirs. Because there will be multiple volumes. The past six months could fill a book. This next year will be another one. I feel the fear of this falling away as many of my fears have fallen away recently. I went roller skating the other night. I was warned against it so much when I wanted to do it two summers ago. I listened to that. Then last Friday I didn’t. I went. I didn’t fall down. I enjoyed myself. I stopped when I needed to. I had a blast. 

I love my wild, unpredictable life. I’m filled with gratitude for everything. I love with my arms & eyes wide open. Skoden.