The end of summer is making sure I feel it.
Honestly, I should be thankful. And I am, truly.
Summer is my least favorite season because
for whatever reason (and doctors all over this
country have not been able to give me a concrete
reason why) my body (and often my brain) cannot
handle heat. My body is wracked with pain, I can
hardly do anything I enjoy, and I get very depressed
and anxious even more than I already do. This year
my summer was actually very manageable. I kept
saying, “Wow. It’s nearly over and it wasn’t that bad!”
I spoke too soon.
Here we are at the end of it, Autumn already hinting
that it’s here, even in Vegas with the cooler nights,
and it’s decided to make up for lost time. So I’ve been
in bed a lot and some days I can’t even read or type.
I definitely can’t do these things for very long when I
am in a good position where it isn’t that bad to be able
to push through it without making it worse for myself,
but of course the times when I get a little window
of “feeling goodness” are wonderful. I’m even thankful
for the worst days because I do a lot of self reflecting
and praying during the downtime, and I also am more
focused on watching films and especially foreign ones
because my only distraction is pain. Otherwise, I’d have
a movie on in the background and be writing, scrolling,
working on something around the house, etc. and not
really giving the movie my full attention. I don’t always
do this, mind you, but more often than not, I do.
TCM has been playing some fantastic movies directed
by women every Tuesday night and I’ve been enjoying
them immensely. Movies that no one’s ever heard of
are usually some of my favorites, so being able to
focus on them and notice little details has been amazing.
I’ve been reading too which is good. I get frustrated when
I can’t read or write very well, since those are the two things
that I’ve just done my whole life. I feel like pieces of me are
missing if I don’t read at least one chapter (or poem or blog
from another), or write at least a line a day. Sometimes it’s
a sacrifice to do these things a little bit. I’m falling asleep
during that chapter, or my wrists and fingers start feeling
like they’re covered with icy needles once I’m finished or
in the middle of typing or handwriting something. But,
I assure you, it’s worth it at times if not for just an outlet
to maintain some form of mental stability. Other times,
the rest is just good. Not bothering with an alarm, sleeping
when the body is tired, not forcing anything but just letting
the illness take care of itself as it needs to can be very
liberating. It makes me feel like I’m no longer fighting my-
self or what my body just naturally needs to do to make
itself feel as well as it can again, and that is a freedom.
We’re conditioned to be productive I believe. Even us
sick people feel like we need to not burden anyone or
have anyone take care of us, even if we aren’t capable
of fully caring for ourselves either all the time or some
of the time. We have value. We’re still human. And these
past couple of years having to learn to be within changing
limits has taught me so much. Before I left Twitter and
blogging the last time for an almost 3 year break, the days
I didn’t tweet or post a blog, I would feel useless, even
guilty, like I was letting people down. Well, I haven’t been
posting regularly this time around and let me tell you,
I don’t care. Haha. I don’t even think about it or miss it.
These outlets are just there when I need them and when
I can use them. I don’t feel like I’m chained to them. Nor does
it affect my mood if I’m not on. (I do not know what ‘FOMO’
feels like and I never have so I’m very thankful for that
too.) I also don’t feel like I’m abandoning anyone because
I wasn’t able to read EVERY SINGLE TWEET THEY MAKE.
No one ever even batted an eye about this before in
the past, I’m sure, but I would feel again like I was letting
both readers and writer friends down. Seems so silly to
me now. Also, WE’RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF A GLOBAL
PANDEMIC and as a “most vulnerable member” of the population
my stress level is amplified like no other. I also haven’t left my
home in many months and have appointments coming up
that I am terrified to go to. But all I can do is hope for the best,
wear my mask, and hope others are caring about themselves
and others too, right? These things have to be done to maintain
my already fragile health so I have no choice. Still, I’m anxious
about it. I’m sure most people who take it seriously are everytime
they leave their homes.
Well, that’s all I’ve been up to these days. As always, my
amazing husband has been helping me out with the
heavy lifting around here (and a lot of the light lifting
I’m unable to do during flare-ups like this) and I love him
so and am so appreciative of him. I have written some
and I’m going to share those below.
Autumn will be here tomorrow! I don’t know about you,
but I’m excited. I just have to wait for Vegas weather to
really bring on the cold because the 20-30 degree difference
between day and night temperatures is not treating me well.
I’ll make it though. I hope you’re all alright and taking care of
each other. ❤
Janet Has a Crush
equipped to cower,
I shy away but
admire with my
eyes from afar
one would think
I’m in love with
all I see
I make faces
in the mirror,
to never show
how I feel
I am a clam
beneath my shell
you read me,
you know me
This poem was inspired by Jane Campion’s film, “An Angel at My Table” based off of Janet Frame’s three volume biography. I saw it about a year ago and it’s become a comfort movie for me. I really love Frame’s writing too and I’m currently reading a short story collection of hers called “Prizes”.
Untitled Poem while watching Greta Gerwig’s “Little Women”
Cobblestones in Spring,
horse clopping, a parting.
Girls scurry in thought
& deed. Every thought
in their heads awake
on the breeze. Alive
& heard despite
& head shakes.
They make the
sing with every
twirl of skirt
& laughter’s ring.
This one can probably be added to or maybe I’ll keep it as is. I revisit old work a lot especially if I can’t think of anything new. I hope to get in the habit of writing a poem a day for the rest of the month to prepare for OctPoWriMo. Poems about films are also my favorites to write and I always like sharing them.
As always, thank you for reading! I’m going to leave comments open on this post. Feel free to say hello and let me know how you’re doing. Have a Happy Autumn! ❤