The Jam Files #18 — “Christmas Eve”

Posted byJennifer PatinoPosted inpersonalTags:, , , , , , , , , ,



This is going to be the last one of these Jam Files. I’ve decided I’m not even going to bother labeling my personal posts as anything special, because isn’t everything I write personal?

This is also going to be my last post of the year. I didn’t have a plan again when I opened the blog to write & I really love not having a plan about much of anything. I have been agonizing a little bit about “what direction” my writing is going in, what I want to do with writing, what I want to write about, what writing means to me, blah blah blah. I’m done with that too. If I want to write some cheesy romance story, I’m going to do that. If I want to talk about my life, I’ll do that. If a poem happens by, I’ll write that too. I know I’ll always journal & I know I’ll always write letters or emails to friends. I’ll always be writing something, & I don’t need to fret unnecessarily about it, or about anything.

***

I read Werner Herzog’s memoir, “Every Man For Himself And God Against All”, & it’s not like I didn’t already feel this way, but the man is a genius. I love what he’s about, I love his films, I love him sharing his life. I really love that he makes it a point not to complain about anything. There was a time in my life I tried that & it didn’t work out very well, but I really want to try again.

I also read Britney Spears’ memoir & I’m not going to get too into it here. I’ll do that where no eyes can read what I have to say. It tore me apart. It angered me. It made me cry a lot. I’ve always been a Britney Spears fan & I never really liked speculating about anyone’s life & especially celebrities’ lives because it’s true that no one can truly know what another person is going through. I haven’t trusted the media since the 90s warned me not to so anything I did read about Britney I barely blinked an eye at. I was with that one fan that made the video about “leaving her alone” because I felt that was true for most people who lived their lives under such a public microscope. They’re people. They just want to live like anyone else & yes I know that being famous means you have to expect cameras to follow you everywhere & it’s part of the whole deal, but it’s really horrifying what news outlets & paparazzi do to these people. In Britney’s case, her own family was doing horrifying things to her on top of everything else & I’m still stunned about it. I don’t like the word “triggered” anymore because the world has turned its importance & meaning into a joke, but I found a lot of the book extremely triggering. Moving. Stirring. I don’t care what you want to call it, it churned up a lot of my own stuff & I’m dealing. I recall a social media post I made awhile ago during the #FreeBritney movement online. I kept saying, “Britney’s going to free herself.” That’s the only “spoiler” I’m going to give. She did. Bless her for it too.

***

My dreams lately have been so interesting. I had terrible nightmares last month & in every one of them I lost my husband in some way. I didn’t like that at all. This month my dreams have been humorous at times. I’ll wake up laughing because the level of absurdity in them is too much. Last night I dreamt that a person from my past who really harmed me called police to do a wellness check on me because they wanted to get me put into psych, but when the police came I was totally fine so that person was arrested for filing a false report. I woke up laughing from that too & felt a little bad about it. I’m not one for revenge, & this person is someone I was urged to press charges against & I never did anything or reported anything to anyone important. I even lied to psychiatrists about what was going on because I didn’t want anything to come from any of it. I just wanted to move miles away & never look back & that’s exactly what I did. (I’ve done that a lot in my life. I really feel that’s over now though.) So I guess some of my dreams feel redemptive almost? I shouldn’t feel bad that justice is sometimes served in my dreams. Maybe I’m healing in more ways than I know.

***

We’re having a warm start to winter in my neck of the woods, but I’m patient. The snow will fall again & I’ll go for my walks, drink hot drinks, read books, watch “girly” TV shows, & talk for hours on the phone with people. My hubby & I are having a low-key Christmas together. We’re going to make a meatloaf, watch Christmas movies, & video chat with long distance family. I like being home for Christmas. I think doing the “hustle & bustle” & get-togethers should be done earlier in December so everyone can just relax at home on the actual holiday. I’m really happy things worked out that way this year & that I’m here in my home state. No white Christmas this year, but I’m sure I’ll get one eventually!

***

No real wrap-up to share. I read a lot of books. I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift & Blink 182. I moved across the country. I got published a little. I got really into collecting Sanrio character stuff again. I got to know new family. I made plans for two trips to go see concerts next year. I never thought I’d go see a big concert again. I ride a bike now. I can walk more than 20 steps without feeling like I’m going to die. I had a good report from my new doctor & I haven’t had a good report in 15 years. I cried a lot too, something I hadn’t allowed myself to do in a very long time. I swam in Lake Michigan. I saw seasons change. I got happy.

***

I hope you all enjoy the holidays (whatever you celebrate or don’t celebrate) & that 2024 is whatever you need or want it to be. I’m not making any formal resolutions or anything. I want to attempt daily writing again because I don’t write every day now like I used to, & I also have a calling to listen to what this new land has to say to me. I don’t exactly know what that means but that phrase keeps jumping into my head & I know it’s for a reason. If I pay attention, things usually have a way of revealing themselves.

Thank you all so much for reading, for your kind comments, & your support. I hope you stick around next year. Also, if you’d like to donate to my binoculars fund the link is HERE. Thank you to all who have donated already. I’m on track for my goal to get them by Spring Migration. Lately I’ve been doing more birding with just my naked eye & am paying attention to birdsong with the help of my phone app. Oh, yeah, that’s another thing I did this year, I got really into birds thanks to a visit from a Common Grackle that I will never forget.

Take care, all. Catch you on the flip side.

P.S. — Yesterday I decided to finally bring my bangs back after wanting to do it for a whole year. “New year, New me”…or whatever. 😛




Published by Jennifer Patino

Poet in Michigan.

29 thoughts on “The Jam Files #18 — “Christmas Eve””

  1. Hey Jennifer,

    The decision to ditch labels and just write from the heart is right on. Your mix of dreams, pop culture inspo (Britney’s memoir, wow!), and life updates is so real.

    Dreams can be wild, huh? Yours seem like a mix of comedy and justice, which is awesome. And your chill Christmas plans sound perfect. Low-key vibes are the best.

    Wishing you a rad holiday season and all the good stuff in 2024.

    ~David

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  4. This!!!

    “This is also going to be my last post of the year. I didn’t have a plan again when I opened the blog to write & I really love not having a plan about much of anything. I have been agonizing a little bit about “what direction” my writing is going in, what I want to do with writing, what I want to write about, what writing means to me, blah blah blah. I’m done with that too. If I want to write some cheesy romance story, I’m going to do that. If I want to talk about my life, I’ll do that. If a poem happens by, I’ll write that too. I know I’ll always journal & I know I’ll always write letters or emails to friends. I’ll always be writing something, & I don’t need to fret unnecessarily about it, or about anything.”

    This is what I’ve always done, and I can tell you, it truly helps to have one’s personal blog be whatever it needs to be for that moment in time. Occasionally, I’ll run a themed category for a while; just as I’m doing now with the Tuesday Snapshot posts.

    As far as your dreams, you could be gaining the source of knowledge you need in them and they could also be glimpses into what level of growth you will move toward in the future.

    Whatever happens, I hope the new year is kind to you, Jennifer.

    🙏🏾💙

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    1. Thank you, Tre! I’m trying to not be afraid of who I am as a person. That means not trying to compartmentalize myself anymore. There’s a lot that makes me me & I don’t need to curate it for certain audiences or anything like that.

      I’m definitely gaining a lot of insight from my dreams since I’ve been back here. Sometimes I think being on my ancestors’ land again means I’m dreaming more vividly. I’m always being told or shown something reflective & I’m finding the messages & symbols in them to be very spot on & often not literal. If something in them doesn’t make sense, I just have to wait a week or so, then the meaning is clear.

      Happy new year to you! 💙💙

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  5. I’m looking forward to whatever you decide to write and share. Sounds like we are on similar tracks with respect to shaking things up online and with writing. I hope the best for you in the new year. Happy holidays, Jenn. ⛄

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  7. Huzzah to good reports and beautiful bangs, and I hope for just the right amount of snow very soon. All my love in 2024, my friend, and wishes for all these good things to continue, and even more to unfold… ✨

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  8. It’s has been a moving year for you in more ways than one. You fully deserve to enjoy the holidays and your favourite season! Best wishes to you and your hubby 🎄🧣✨

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  9. Happy holidays and here’s wishing you a wonderful new year Jennifer 😊 I think we’ve known each other for six years or more now though we haven’t always been in touch and it’s been terrific reading your imaginative poetry and now these personal essays. I really do enjoy them and I really hope you’ll continue writing them next year. They inspire me a lot.

    Write whatever you want to without labelling it but I’m a huge fan of these longer posts. They read so well. It’s nice to get a glimpse into someone else’s life who’s finding ways to overcome their own struggles. It gives me the feeling that I’m not alone and the need to try harder.

    I agree. Brittney really had a terrible time. Celebrities look like they have it all figured out, but a ton of them are battling addiction, depression etc. Like you said we never know what someone is going through. Your post is full of empathy.

    Cheers

    OP (Nitin)

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    1. Thank you, Nitin! A lot of the time I think I should save the “long, rambling, personal” stuff for my private journals. In the past I never cared & would put everything out there. Then life kinda made me afraid of that. I feel like I’m getting some bravery back & I do like writing about what’s going on in my life & things I think about.

      I feel that struggles & overcoming them are equally important. I think some can’t necessarily be overcome, but can be learned to live with, or at least viewed & carried differently. I think both make up the beautiful tragedy that is life. I don’t mind peering into darkness, or even hanging around in it for awhile because I learn things. I may get impatient, but there’s inspiration in that too. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but keep on keeping on. I’m glad to know you & I hope we continue to connect in the years to come!

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  12. I have to get more into Werner Herzog, I just looked up a film I watched previously, ‘Invincible’ which I loved and realized it was by him. And ‘Aguirre’ was a film that felt like watching a bit of history in a time machine. What was the name of the biography you read, who was it by?
    It was horrible what Britney went through and I feel the same way about trusting the media generally and letting pop stars live their lives (funny how you said the 90s taught you that skepticism, with things like the X-Files and the Gen-X counterculture-in-the-mainstream vibe I take it). I feel like Britney did break free though and she paved the way for stars like Miley Cyrus and and others to do their own thing in their own way more.
    I hope you have a blessed 2024!

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    1. Thanks, Cypress! I’m skeptical of the ‘power machine’ so to speak, & what is presented to the masses as ‘truth’. But I also have a lot of blind faith in many things (such as extraterrestrials hehe). I think it’s possible to be both a skeptic & a believer. I think we all are both.

      Werner Herzog wrote the memoir himself. It’s called “Every Man for Himself & God Against All”. I really love Stroszek if you ever get a chance to watch that one.

      Happy 2024 to you! 💜

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  13. A very late. Happy New year. I wish you great happiness and success in 2024. I need to see lake Michigan. I lived in the Upper Michigan for seven year. Iron Mountain. The great lakes are beautiful. The Big Water. Once salvation for a great nation.

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