I was told this in a dream. A very prophetic dream that predicted the plight of my health. I was given a choice & I chose ‘yes’. I didn’t know what I was in for. I wasn’t told that. I was only told that my life was on a track that wasn’t really meant for me. That bigger things were waiting for me. The only catch was that it would be full of suffering. Suffering that would inspire others. Then all of my dreams would come true.
I thought this was literal. After all, the things I was told in the dream did come true. Much like many dreams I had throughout my life that came true. Both dreams I had while sleeping, & day dreamed visualizations for all I ever wanted. I could never make out details. I never knew the whys or hows. I’ve just always had a sense that no matter how awful life gets & feels, things would somehow work out alright. Sometimes I’d say this in the midst of a panic attack. It hasn’t been an easy road. But it’s been so, so worth it.
I keep saying “I never imagined in a billion years…” lately. It’s true. I never imagined I’d move here three years ago & find a place I belonged. I think Traverse City helped me accept myself. I always felt I could be myself in Michigan. Every visit here from other lands I resided in, something would come over me. Everything has always felt right here.
I used to run around a lot. I used to run from everything. I moved around so much because I felt the best thing to do was avoid. Avoid all I didn’t want to deal with. I learned I couldn’t outrun myself. I was holding onto memories of awful things. More tiers are added to my trauma cake all the time. I’m currently in my sixth round of therapy & ya know what, good. It’s always been helpful. It’s a mode to connect back to myself & who I truly am.
Uncertainty seemed to be my constant state. I couldn’t see the future. Not ever. People would ask me that “where do you see yourself in five years?” question & I never had an answer. That changed for me recently. I see so much now. I see possibilities. I see things I know in the core of my being will come true. I see so much that is true. I see how multiple things that might seem contradictory can, in fact, exist at the same time. I picture myself in places I’ve never been & I can feel these pangs of familiarity in my soul. I feel I have been many places. I feel I’m remembering them all at once.
I am eternally grateful for every moment of my life. I have felt so much love all my life but never have I felt so much love from everyone in it. I kept people in my life in the past who really shouldn’t have been there. I know now that I won’t stand for this anymore. I won’t be a doormat. I won’t be used. I won’t allow people to treat me badly. I’m choosing myself now. It doesn’t feel selfish. I feel no guilt. I feel alive. I am still me. I am more me than I ever have been because fears have once again dissolved. I know I’m a kind person. I don’t find it difficult to be so. So when I am met with unkindness it has always been so jarring. I used to blame myself. I must’ve done something. I’m so sorry. I’m awful. Now when people are in front of me treating me way less than I know I deserve, I feel so strongly that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. This is them. This is not my fault. When people go loud I do my best to speak softer. This doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I’ve flown off the handle before & I probably will again. I know the difference now though. I know when to say “I’m sorry” because I hurt someone with my own anger or other feelings I couldn’t process. & I’m doing so much better at not apologizing so much for things that I haven’t done. (It’s going to take time…I haven’t mastered this…but I already know I’m getting better.) When enough people in your life are saying “Stop apologizing” it starts to sink in. Finally.
I had it rough yesterday morning. I’ve had it rough seizure-wise since the official start of summer. The difference is I have people now, and I have them because I finally let them in to that part of my life. I realized recently that even though people know and are aware of my having epilepsy, I still did everything I could to hide it from them. I didn’t want it to be a bother. A nuisance. Now I’m embracing the fact that it’s just part of my life. What if I do this and seize? has been replaced with so what if I seize? I take care of me though. I’m not pushing it. In fact, I’ve been enjoying slowing down. I slept most of yesterday away & that felt good. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be “productive” so I didn’t feel so useless all the time. I remember my nine years in bed & how I was so miserable but would find little projects to do from my bed. How it felt like just existing was pushing it. I’m so happy that moving to a new climate changed so much. I’m happy every moment I can be out & about. People remark that I don’t sit still. It’s because I like movement. It feels so much better & less painful to move right now. When I sit too long then I feel pain come in. Or if I’m up & need to stop & sit, I do. I’m listening to my body. I’m giving it what it needs & when I need to rest or cancel plans or whatever, I don’t feel bad anymore. I don’t feel guilty for having to “do nothing”.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life as a whole & how in awe I am of where I am today. I find myself saying ‘how is this happening?’ & not from a state of distress. I’m blessed. I’m loved. I’m so so happy. How did this happen? I don’t need to know. I just need to accept as is. I just need to be.
It’s hot. Way too hot. This weekend will be a blend of sadness, grief, camaraderie & good times. Because that’s life. I’m not doing well physically but I am doing amazing mentally. I am glowing spiritually. I am constantly whispering thank you thank you thank you.
Rain, rain…stay away. Or at least be gentle on my brain. Let the busy month begin. Let July be the bridge that gaps the past & the future. Let me have all I need & more. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Are you all ready? I am.
Thistle Thoughts 